Lessons for Men on International Women's Day

Chapter 5 from quotThe Future of Men Men on Trialquot by Jack Myersamp160Deny Deny Deny Men39s Destructive Instinct to LieKatie Roberts a thirtyyearold psychology graduate student and military widow from Kansas shared in an interview that she has high hopes for her threeyearold son She wants him to grow up to be a stronger man than the quotfoolishquot ones she dates Katie is not alone in this While women see their own chances in education improving many also worry for their sonsWhat are we teaching our sons For generations men have lived in a state of constant denial For many the earliest lesson taught to them by their fathers was that if caught in a compromising situation the one single rule to live by was to deny deny deny This code permeates society from quotWeinergatequot and Chris Christie to Bashar alAssad39s refusal to admit to using chemical weapons and from Bill Clinton39s quotnever had sex with that womanquot to the Republican Party39s steadfast refusal to admit that the attack on Iraq was misguided And we are living through the conflict between denial and truth as we suffer with from Donald Trump39s 39busgatequot episode with Billy Bush and his denials of inappropriate actions with several women including Stormy DanielsAccording to Joe Zychik author of The Most Personal Addiction dishonesty is the quotbiggest destroyer of an intimate relationshipquot Men must fundamentally change their inherent instinct to protect themselves and by extension quotprotect the other personquot by lying Zychik explains that quotmost people lie to save face They feel guilty and trapped amp8230 so they lie amp8230 There are some people who lie for malicious reasons They don39t lie only to get themselves out of an uncomfortable situation they lie to hurt amp8230 Other people are so sensitive they seem to lie almost all the time They39re not malicious and they don39t want to hurt you They39re obsessed with not looking badquotHowever Zychik shares quotlooking bad from telling the truth is better than looking good through deceptionquotDespite the truth of Zychik39s advice most men over age thirty have at some point been advised that the best solution even if caught redhanded is to deny The basic model of male repudiation is portrayed in countless films men are caught in obviously compromising positions such as in bed with another woman and immediately refute what is obviously happening Men have been taught that women want and need to believe the fabrication and are satisfied that their man cares enough about them to lie to protect their feelings These men are oblivious to the disrespect the pattern impliesToday across all aspects of their relationships more women are now demanding the full truth every detail and the ability to decideamp8212 based on thatamp8212how they will react and what the couple will become Women are requiring that their relationships be based in honesty which flies in the face of men39s embedded instinct to lie contradict and obfuscate the truthTy is an excollege football player and a rancher He is also proud to be known as a horse trader One truism of being a horse trader Ty shares in an interview is that if you pull the wool over someone39s eyes you never admit it quotI used to watch my dad trade horses and whenever he39d sell a greenbroke horse to a family looking for a kid39s horse or an unreliable horse to someone looking for one that was reliable he would tell me two things 39That damned sure wasn39t the right thing to do39 and 39But if we get caught never confess quotlie till you die39quot Ty says this with a big grin on his face and a chuckleTy continues quotYou never want to sell bad stock to someone you39re likely to be dealing with again in the future nor friends or family and you don39t want to stick it to someone who is new to the game But if some guy has himself convinced that he39s a horseman and he doesn39t know what he39s getting into I39m not going to be the guy that talks him out of doing something stupidquotThen Ty explains that his father39s life philosophy has a flip side quotMy mom left him after he got caught cheating for the umpteenth time His biggest mistake was that he was not honest with her would never confess and treated her like a fool Everyone in town knew he was not only a horse trader but a dirty dog that cheated on his wife but somehow he had himself convinced that if he 39lied until he died39 she39d eventually believe him She never did and he39s alone to this day because of itquotTy39s tone changes a little when he begins speaking of his own experience A little more humbly he starts out quotFor some reason I try the same method when I39m in trouble with my wife over this or that Most of the time it39s over something silly that I could simply admit to and that would be the end of it but for some reason I fall back into that dishonesty BS and everything goes downhill from therequotThe worst part is that I know she knows I39m lyingquot he says forthrightly quotSo there I am looking her straight in the eye knowing that my lying to her probably hurts more than what I actually did But now it39s just a habit She39s used to it We almost have an understanding that when I deny something I more than likely did it and she doesn39t even bother calling BS anymore because she knows I39ll just get adamant and swear up and down and rant and rave and cuss as if I39m offended she doesn39t believe mequot He chuckles humorlesslyThe odds on Ty39s marriage surviving are slim as one untruth leads down a dark corridor of endless others While the advice to lie and deny may not have been directly imparted Ty39s father and fathers everywhere have shown through words and actions that that is the best option when confronted with a condemning truth Women have to some extent been complicit in this game rationalizing that the lie is a way of showing affectionHowever the belief that the truth hurts too much to hear is quickly changing Women are no longer accepting boldfaced lies and men are struggling to understand and accept these new standards Most relationships can sustain bad behavior mistakes and problems when men admit and address them but duplicity encourages men to continue the behavior that led to the original falsity Accountability becomes a quotnonissuequot as men learn they will not be held responsible for their actions as long as they can lie and get away with itGetting away with it however is becoming more and more impossible as the Internet and women39s aggressive demand for the truth shift the balance of power It39s better for men to control and manage their future by acknowledging their pastamp8212both to themselves and to those who are most hurt by their falsehoods whether those are proactive by omission or bothYet most menamp8212in private and publicamp8212continue to embrace the fundamental belief that the solution to any problem is to gainsay what happened It is better to do that than to admit wrongdoing This advice extends from relationships to the classroom and from friends even to the lawIn a hypothetical scenario a teenager cheats on his girlfriend and comes to his father for advice Since young love is a fickle and fleeting thing many a dad39s instinct would be to advise his son to simply not tell her Why break her heart when she can just go on living without this burdensome knowledge And if she does find out the teenager can simply claim it didn39t really happen For generations men have learned to deny and in turn tell their sons to as well Lying and cheating are endemic in sports Lord protect the young boy who admits he was out at home plate when he39s called safe Truth and honesty have no place in that situation and far too many othersamp8212or so men seem to thinkYes it39s a generalization but boys are more typically taught to lie their way out of trouble while girls learn early to tell the truth and use their charm and vulnerability in such casesBrad who asked that his last name not be shared has worked for the local rural electric association for almost twenty years He39s married has three kids and is generally pretty happy with his life The one quotissuequot Brad has always had is that he is a womanizer Brad was a state champion wrestler in high school and had a college scholarship but dropped out of school when his girlfriend got pregnantquotShe was a pretty little thing still is but I don39t think she was prepared for the likes of mequot he says honestly quotTwenty years later she knows me inside out but I still manage to do things that she simply can39t believe and that hurt her tremendously She39s extremely well liked among the other mothers in our community so people are far more likely to look out for her best interests than they are to turn a blind eye to my dirty little secretsquot Brad says this as if it is a sort of epiphanyquotI had a couple of extramarital affairs and I swear she knew about them before I ever even made it home My dad always told me 39What they don39t know can39t hurt them39 The problem isquot Brad explains with certainty as if he thinks his father had the right philosophy but that it is merely outdated quotthey always know these days With cell phones and texting and Facebook news travels faster and farther than a man can in a lifetimequotThe first time I got caught Jenny was hurt and sad but she eventually forgave me The second time she was furious and she probably never will forgive me for that one It never surprised me that she found out women usually do What I couldn39t believe is that both times she was waiting for me on the porch when I got home She found out what I had done before I even had time to make the twentyminute trip from town back homequot he says in seeming awe quotI will never have the right to ask how she found out and I wouldn39t bring it up even if I thought she would tell me but I can tell you one thing with today39s technology there is no such thing as a secret There39s no such thing as 39what she doesn39t know39 it doesn39t exist anymorequotMedia reflects the realities of life and vice versa in this and all things In Milan Kundera39s novel The Unbearable Lightness of Being and the television shows Mad Men and Breaking Bad artifice is the foundation of the storylineIn The Unbearable Lightness of Being lead character Tomas loves his wife but he also loves his hypersexual life as a womanizing bachelor His wife knows he barely takes the time to cover his tracks As the story progresses she becomes more and more withdrawn until he can no longer get away with a puppydog look of shame He can no longer hide his red hands and he eventually stops his affairs finding happiness after moving to the countryside with his wife This novel and the subsequent film were considered progressive when they came out and just thirty years later they still capture the realities of many relationships grounded in lying and misogynyDon Draper the lead character in the AMC hit series Mad Men is a slick sophisticated ad executive whose reality is grounded in lies deceit and more lies Over the course of the show Draper39s falsehoods are progressively exposed destroying almost every aspect of his life as he continues to focus more on covering up than acknowledging the truth Although Mad Men is one of the most critically acclaimed TV series in history little was written until the final episodes about the main theme dishonesty and denial lead inexorably and inevitably to despair and destruction for most involved with only hope for redemption and a happy ending for someIn AMC39s Breaking Bad chemistry teacher Walter White begins cooking methamphetamine to provide for his family after he is diagnosed with terminal cancer The series presents a morality tale of a man delving deep into the heart of crime while making horrendous decisions yet the core of the show is about how his duplicity tears his family apart After a while he is no longer lying to save them from the awful truth he is doing it to avoid facing the reality himself At the conclusion of the series veracity is Walter39s savior but he acknowledges he has enjoyed the deception However he shifts the need for continued mendacity to his wife SkylerEven though denial is becoming less accepted by women and society it remains an embedded reality beyond maleamp8211female relationshipsamp8212in business politics religion education and every part of life Just as US law does not force someone to testify against themselves it also does not strictly punish repudiation While lying under oath is a crime many alleged criminals have refuted claims and gone unpunished as a result In 1994 even against evidence and public outcry O J Simpson continually rebutted any accusations falsifying his way to a quotnot guiltyquot verdict in his murder trial His lawyer39s nowenduring motto quotIf the glove doesn39t fit you must acquitquot is a lie in and of itselfIn 2012 the Republican Party presidential nominee Mitt Romney came to be known as one of the worst flipfloppers in political history No matter what he said about his political stance archival news clips showed direct contradictions Romney consistently denied and disavowed Donald Trump in his presidential bid gained popularity simply by embracing and acknowledging his own incongruous statements Trump39s campaign offers evidence that there39s little if any expectation of integrity in politics but ironically it may prove to have been the turning point for a society that is becoming intolerant of a lack of honesty Ed Note Obviously it was a turning point in a totally unexpected way We will learn in the next several months whether Trump is ultimately held accountable for his adulterous actions and behavior or whether he remains the role model for the negative patriarchyNo matter his accomplishments as president of the United States and after Bill Clinton39s sexual misconduct will always be central to his personal story While his transgressions in the White House would have gained enough attention it was his denegation that caused a prolonged upsetting and truly memorable affair for the nation including his impeachment Clinton commented later in his book My Life quotI went on doing my job and I stonewalled denying what had happened to everyone Hillary Chelsea my staff and cabinet my friends in Congress members of the press and the American people What I regret the most other than my conduct is having misled all of themquot Clinton is the poster boy for deniers everywhere meanwhile Hillary Clinton stood by her husband holding her family togetherCongressman Anthony Weiner was not so fortunate and his demise was far more rapid his actions caused him to lose his seat in Congress and his bid to return to politics and public favor Weiner used social platforms such as Twitter to help unite his fans and spread his views Unfortunately under the pseudonym Carlos Danger he also used Twitter to send a waistdown photo to a twentyoneyearold woman from Seattle Although the photo was quickly removed an anonymous Twitter user called Dan Wolfe intercepted it before it could be entirely erased This photo was saved and subsequently circulated online and to news mediaIn response Weiner stuck to the ageold tactic of disputing what had happened While even in 1999 this may have worked in 2011 Weiner instantly became the subject of global laughter and scorn People became a part of the story as they shared and commented on Weinergate With Twitter women no longer had to stand on the sidelines and be silent in the face of deception The Internet turned the scandal into a living thing that grew with each tweet blog or Facebook update The people wanted justiceamp8212the truthamp8212and they could get it by keeping the story in the spotlight until their demands were met No longer confined to newspapers or television tidbits the Internet made the scandal personal for everyoneDoes Weinergate represent a shift in culture from generations of male denial to future generations of men coming to terms with society39s new rules and realities As more women demand the truth are men ready to give it to them Perhaps the deeper question acknowledging the data emerging from the recent Ashley Madison hack is whether the threat of exposure combined with women39s insistence on truthfulness will result in a shift toward more monogamy or more frank and honest relationshipsWith the Internet prompting an openness that society has never before been confronted with men everywhere have to become more aware of the likelihood that the truth of their actions will be exposed bringing on inevitable repercussions Men need to learn that when challenged it is easier in the long run to tell the truth no matter how damaging it is in the moment With a permanent history of their transgressions stored on the Internet it will become increasingly difficult for men to cling to the old mantra of deny deny deny They may by circumstance or on purpose one day reveal the truth to their significant others colleagues friends or bossesamp8212but too late the relationship will already have been destroyedAshley Madison Matchcom and AdultFriendFinder profiles Craigslist ads visits to stripper bars affairs and even assignations with sex workers those of examp8211New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer come to mind can no longer be assumed to be confidential no matter what lengths men may go to Men are moving through a painful period of exposure all our deepest and darkest secrets are pouring from cyberspace into our living rooms our bedrooms and the computers of wives girlfriends and journalistsAn emerging generation of young men has grown up with the Internet and as a result they have a new relationship with truth and denial As they learn the inevitability of being caught their relationships are evolving in a new and more honest way as they learn that secrecy and privacy are fleeting mirages and that there are troublesome consequences to lying Fabrications are easily exposed denial is not only unproductive it is destructive There is no return path once a lie is told other than digging a deeper and deeper holeamp8212one that gets exponentially more difficult to climb out ofquotDeny deny denyquot as a male mantra is on a path toward retirement along with so many of the lies and destructive myths that have been learned and passed down by generation after generation Denial is no longer a viable option Men need to explain who when where and why and once that first denial comes in it39s game over In the age of Twitter Facebook Instagram and Periscope falsehoods and contradictions are far too easily and quickly discovered Lying though is woven into the male selfimage and although not all men lie and many women do any study of the history of civilization uncovers the reality that men operate on being untruthful Women conversely operate on the truth and they now have the power to demand the same from their men In a 2012 blog post published at MariaShrivercom dating expert and author Ken Solin argued quotWhere there39s no trust there39s no love amp8230 The purpose of men being emotionally honest isn39t just to satisfy women but to live in integrity as men amp8230 There39s an enormous difference between a man being emotional and a man being emotionally honestamp8230 amp160A woman may not like hearing how her guy feels about her or their relationship but she39ll know his truth and she can work with that The walls in relationships can be broken down when both partners trust each other to speak their emotional truthsquotA fundamental failure to be emotionally honest is part of the fabric of flawed humanity What can be changed and is being changed at an astonishing pace is the reaction to a lie No longer will a woman stand idly by she will demand answers and will rightfully speak out against blatant disrespect and abuse of trust Mistakes can be forgiven but the public is less accepting of denials by politicians instead making fabrications a pulsating living entity forever virally traveling the web Women and society no longer allow men to get away with deception in a constantly broadcast world men must learn to accept thisAs men realize that their former strategies are no longer options will they learn to own their mistakes Likely they will continue to lie cheat and deny But as wives girlfriends and the rest of society become less tolerant and more aggressively offended more and more men will find salvation in simply telling the truth and as that becomes the norm male behavior will change Some men will become more faithful and some relationships will become more open whereas others will dissolve as the truth makes the status quo untenableAs we look to the implications for the future a new generation of men born in the Internet age will understand the pitfalls of engaging in actions and infidelity that will inevitably lead to a decision of whether to tell the truth or to refute it They will witness the exposure and downfall of those who lie and deny and be less inclined to make the mistakes to begin with Humans will always err but this new generation will be more conscious of the inevitable consequences of their actionsClick the social buttons above or below to share this story with your friends and colleaguesThe opinions and points of view expressed in this content are exclusively the views of the author andor subjects and do not necessarily represent the views of MediaVillagecomMyersBizNet Inc management or associated writers

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Lessons for Men on International Women's Day

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Jack Myers

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Lessons for Men on International Women's Day

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Jack Myers

FEMA and the Ad Council Encourage AANHPI Communities to Enhance Disaster Preparedness in New PSAs - Ad Council InSites

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