Showing Up: How Men Can Become Effective Allies in the Workplace -- Ray Arata (Book Excerpt)

SET TO WINThe Me Too Time39s Up and Black Lives Matter movements have created a perfect storm of bad behavior largely due to men39s toxic behavior These movements were a long overdue response as well as an outright refusal to tolerate this type of behavior Men are on high alert The spotlight is squarely focused on their behaviors and we have already witnessed a number of quothigh profilequot instances of men being fired stepping down from leadership and finding their careers ruined by their choices and behavior as well as their abuse of power Their careers were tarnished after social media exposed their actions These very same men work inside companies and are often in leadership positions thus posing a question for many organizations Do we ignore react or take initiative What is your positionOne thing is for sure The underlying playbook of what it means to be man and how it shows up in our roles as leaders partners spouses and parents needs a rewrite The writing is on the wall It39s time for us individually and collectively to embrace healthy masculinity as a way of being in our personal and business lives Not only will those we care about benefit we will too Company cultures that have a predominance of men in leadership are ripe for change How you change just depends on what will motivate you to changeTroy Young president of Hearst Magazines and publisher of Good Housekeeping Cosmopolitan and Town ampamp Country resigned in July 2020 due to allegations of sexual misconduct For most companies in a situation like this there isn39t a playbook they have to create oneThe Hearst Corporation is one example of how one man through his misconduct can create a wakeup call moment for the leadership of a company How and if a company answers a wakeup call says a lot about them How you or your company answers says a lot about youA quotwakeup callquot is a shock surprise or realization that causes you to become fully alert to what is happening in your life It can also be thought of as a glimpse into a moment of truth where you see that staying on your current trajectory and not changing only creates more pain A wakeup call of this magnitude gives a company a snapshot of its culture and creates a choice point for moving forwardHearst chose to answer the wakeup call in a healthy masculine wayiCrossing a subsidiary of Hearst hosted the 2018 Better Man Conference in the Hearst Tower in Midtown Manhattan When this all went down they reached out to my company to address their culture issue head on Their resulting commitment was to sponsor and send seventy senior executive male leaders to our fall 2020 virtual Better Man Conference as a kickoff event to be followed by a training course on allyship with an emphasis on healthy masculinity The men were eager to learn so that they could do their part and play a role in shifting their work cultureThis is just how one company responded Organizations have been slow to initiate efforts to engage men as allies and inclusionary leaders until either they see business benefits or their hand is forced It appears that the tide is changing for organizations albeit slower than it shouldSome companies are making bold goals that require the engagement of men as allies and inclusionary leaders The Intel Corporation which has been a partner client and sponsor of the Better Man Conference over the years made one of its goals for 2030 to increase the number of women in technical roles up to 40 percent This in essence would double the number of women and traditionally excluded minorities in senior leadership They recognize that in order to make this goal a reality they must include men in their DEI effortsThe wakeup calls just keep coming I invite you to consider another wakeup call moment that has presented itself to you and the company you work for COVID19 and the Black Lives Matter movementLeanInorg and the consulting company McKinsey conducted a 2020 Women in the Workplace study that looked at the pandemic39s impact According to its resultsWomen in particular have been negatively impacted Women especially women of color are more likely to have been laid off or furloughed during the COVID19 crisis stalling their careers and jeopardizing their financial security The pandemic has intensified challenges that women already faced Working mothers have always worked a quotdouble shift a full day of work followed by hours spent caring for children and doing household labor Now the supports that made this possible including school and childcare have been upendedIn December of 2020 largely due to the pandemic 100 percent of jobs lost were held by women In December 2020 women lost a total of 156000 jobs while men gained 16000 jobs according to the National Women39s Law Center quotOf the net 98 million jobs lost since February 2020 women39s jobs have accounted for 55 of themquotAs a result of these dynamics more than one in four women are contemplating what many would have considered unthinkable just six months ago downshifting their careers or leaving the workforce completely This is an emergency for corporate America Companies risk losing women in leadership future women leaders and thus unwinding years of painstaking progress toward gender diversityThis business pain is real for many organizations Is this happening at your companyPersonally I seek to find the silver lining in challenging times Amidst this crisis there is an opportunity Do you see any silver linings As a result of COVID19 are you making adjustments in your leadershipIf organizations prioritize building a more flexible and empathetic workplace they may be able to retain the employees most affected by today39s crises women and nurture a culture in which women have equal opportunities to achieve their potential over the long term Men will need to develop their own ability to be empathic This includes youYou might be wondering How is engaging men as allies and inclusionary leaders good for business On a more personal note how is it good for youThe compelling reason for companies to engage men as allies centers around attracting retaining and hiring talent Creating a culture of belonging wherein men are active allies increases the likelihood that people bring their whole selves to work which increases overall effectiveness Unless you have men on board and part of diversity and inclusion efforts the status quo for men in charge will remain and the lack of opportunities for those who don39t identify as men will slowly erode a company39s ability to be competitiveHOW DO WE GET MEN ON BOARDMaybe you are a diversity and inclusion professional or head of a women39s employee resource group ERG Maybe you have leadership responsibility in your organization and are reading this book for support in your role I39m going to speak to you in your organizational capacity directly below I encourage you also to read sections where I directly address the men who are reading this to better understand what39s true for themMaybe you are an inspired male leader or a man who selfidentifies as an ally or you simply want to be one Maybe your company bought this book and asked you to read it or a woman colleague gave it to you So that you may effectively engage yourself to be part of a culture change it is imperative that you understand where you fit into the states of men as they currently exist in your company I will speak to you as an individualWEARING THE ORGANIZATIONAL HATIf you have an organizational responsibility DEI HR Learning and Development knowing the states of men in your company as well as barriers and impediments that many men face allows you to quotwalk in their shoesquot This ultimately supports how you quotmeet them where they arequotA question you need to address What influences the men in your organization and what limits or drives their behaviors Both organizations and men must know the answer to this question so as to identify and offer the training men need to be allies and inclusionary leaders who support culture change There are five areas to examine socialpolitical narratives including racism and white supremacy COVID19 men not feeling the pain of others man box behaviors and powerFor those of you wearing an organizational hat read the section below to better understand the states of men in your companyIf you are an individual read this section to see which state you most identify withThe States of MenOver the years I39ve heard men selfdescribe where they were with respect to equality being an ally and participating in their company39s DEI efforts I39ve listened to them share their current experiences their frustrations their aspirations and more From these anecdotes I have categorized the states of men inside organizationsSome men believe that their companies39 DEI efforts threaten their jobs These men by virtue of their perception of DEI efforts as a threat demonstrate how their privilege is invisible to them when they articulate that quottheirquot job is threatened My friend and colleague Michael Kimmel an activist and author says quotPrivilege is invisible to those who have itquot The key word indicating that point is quottheirquotamp8212as in their job It isn39t their job they don39t have a preordained right to it over anyone elseOrganizational Guidance Supporting these men to understand their own privilege by humanizing it and to realize that with privilege comes responsibility as well as the opportunity to use it for good is the approach to take Chapter four will explore privilege in great detail along with exercises to support your learningSome men don39t feel included in their companies39 DEI effortsMany companies have supported the establishment and maintenance of employee resource groups creating communities inside companies for LGBTQIA folks women BIPOC Black Indigenous and People of Color disabled personpeople and neurodivergent people There are very few companies that support or have ERGs for men As a result men who want to be part of a company39s diversity efforts can join other ERGs and begin to learn about becoming an ally but what this scenario doesn39t do is center whiteness nor does it create a sense of community for men As a result it doesn39t fulfill men39s desire to be more involvedOrganizational Guidance Providing men with training that supports allyship and encouraging men to start an ERG is another option This will be covered later in the bookLots of men are afraid to say or do the wrong thing so they say and do nothing This is largely how many men feel currently They are the bystanders They are complicitOrganizational Guidance These men need training as well as other leaders inside their own organizations to be models of allyship and inclusion This will be covered later in the bookSome men want to be part of the solution but don39t know what to do or say These are the men you want to activate and build withOrganizational Guidance These men need training and can be used to build momentum inside companies to legitimize allyship training I often suggest that DEI professionals focus on this group of men first They are eager and are usually willing to bring along other menA few select men are already acting like allies and already understand These men are the ones who get it They don39t need training because they already act like allies and inclusionary leaders These guys attend other ERG events often sponsor events in an executive capacity and sometimes mentor womenOrganizational Guidance Where these guys are needed is in the strategy of enrolling other men I encourage companies that are considering training or participating in the Better Man Conference to quotstand upquot these types of leaders in front of their workforce supporting training efforts with the idea that other men will see respect and follow these menKnowing these factions of men is helpful Behavioral change requires a deeper look and an understanding of what is currently driving men39s behaviorAREAS WORTH YOUR ATTENTIONThe numerous influences that impact men are detailed below For those in an organizational capacity consider this section a broad overview For the men reading this consider this an opportunity to take a personal and honest inventory of yourself I will speak specifically in each section with a question or two for you to considerUnderstanding the Impact of the Current Social and Political NarrativeStart by examining the optics for most menamp8212where their levels of cognizance and curiosity and willingness to address their own behavior are atamp8212with respect to the current social and political narrative This includes racism and sexismEmpowered by social media and its immediate transparency in support of these movements employees are demanding cultures of inclusion with opportunity for all Any missteps by men or the organizations they work for are immediately spotlightedThis has been a necessary and unfortunate part of the narrative that has also left in its wake many men unsure of how to act or deal with past transgressions Lacking a clear path to healing on their way to being a better man and leader many men function as bystanders and stay silentThere will always be the few bad apples and until more men stand up and put themselves on the path of being allies the inaction of the majority is what we need to focus on That inaction is part of the problem not just the actions of the few Tony Porter founder of A Call to Men puts it best when he asks quotWhy is it that we as men allow the 39few39 to control the overall narrative of men Why can39t we as men collectively and in unison rewrite the narrative and do away with violence abuse and the lack of equality when it comes to womenquotEven those who are willing to take accountability for past actions before being spotlighted in their efforts to be a better man pay big prices for coming forward but not nearly as big as the price paid by those who are harmedFrom Super Size Me to Downsize MeI had the opportunity to meet Morgan Spurlock director of the awardwinning documentary Super Size Me when I was in New York for the Better Man Conference in 2018 I had been introduced to him by a male colleague who had shared with me that Morgan was looking for some guidance on how to move forward as a better man He was ready to take accountability for his past behaviorsMorgan had shared with me and also publicly that he had a moment of claritycrisis of confidence Without thinking about it he wrote a blog post admitting sexual misconduct in his past including cheating on his past wives as well as settling a sexual harassment allegationFor Morgan the consequences were severe His production company went from sixtyfive people to less than five in a matter of weeks his second documentary following Super Size Me was pulled Despite this he maintained a good attitude and was determined to move forwardI share this story to highlight that taking accountability for one39s past transgressions is the road less traveled and with it comes consequences that few men are willing to take on Morgan took the risk paid a price and most importantly he sought a path to learn and be betterIn no way am I condoning his behaviors I39m simply illustrating that most men choose to stay silent for fear of annihilation rather than take accountability and face consequences This has to change or we will never progress from where we are todayCountless stories in the media reinforce the lack of a middle ground There needs to be some path of healing that path has yet to be illuminated While this story may not resonate personally I invite you to examine for yourself What risks are you willing to take to be an ally despite your pastMen Maybe you presently understand that some behaviors in your past likely impacted another person negatively you might feel bad about something you did and it39s important to processWhat39s most important to process is that you now have awareness of how your actions may have hurt another person Notice any emotions that might come up I will address in a future chapter how to effectively respond to these emotions instead of impulsively reacting or worse yet stuffing them downAt this point there is only one obvious choice of action to put yourself on the path of becoming an aware and awake ally in all that you say and do In the end it39s less about what you did and more about who you choose to be going forward I am going to assume positive intent on your behalf that this is why you are reading this bookUnderstanding the Impact of COVID19With the movements of Time39s Up Me Too and Black Lives Matter gaining ground COVID19 entered the picture and drastically forced the issue of men stepping up at home and work For a moment let39s look through a heteronormative lens COVID19 has spotlighted many areas that traditionally fall on the shoulders of women Cooking cleaning shopping supervising their children39s distance learning while working their own job that may or may not have an understanding boss or manager It is simply too much for one parent to undertake If there was ever a time to put aside gendered home responsibilities it39s now under the new conditions of remote work that COVID19 largely introduced to our lives Maybe you have already made adjustments at home if that39s the case then you are ready to look for opportunities to step up and contribute in the workplaceI want to acknowledge that COVID19 has affected everyone39s life at home those in samegender partnerships those with and without children those living alone and those in limited opportunity families Regardless everyone needs to chip in and be supportiveThe pandemic39s effect on business and personal life has beenampgt to call men forward to reevaluate outdated and gendered norms of behavior at home and work The way forward is to recognize that being allies partners and leaders is not just good for women but for men as wellGetting real in times of crisisOn day one of shelter in place I was on a video call with my partners I looked through the screen and saw faces of pain As a matter of practice we as partners routinely do a checkin to start our meetingsA checkin is an opportunity to look inward check how I39m feeling acknowledge what39s challenging me to get real and to share it with others This does several things It allows me to share where I am at by speaking my truth to be heard and not judged by others and for others to do the same This fosters the necessary connection that we need to work well togetherOn this twelfth day in March of 2020 each of us had some difficult truths to share They were heavy truths An idea and question popped into my head Why shouldn39t leaders in companies have the opportunity to use this technologyAren39t they going through the same thing we are I bet command and control is very tempting that there is a lot of fear present with not much humanity I wondered if leaders would be interested in participating in a live Zoom call that would provide space for them to get the benefit of what we were regularly experiencingI reached out to several men at companies like Oracle Intel and Genentech I shared my idea and I immediately got responses One of them shared with me that command and control blew up in his face at home he had cried twice and would definitely be interested in attendingOver 125 people showed up to our first call validating my intuition that more men than ever are ready to step on the path of becoming inclusive leaders and allies We put people in small breakout rooms and created the space for them to quotget realquot be introspective and ground themselves so they could do that with othersLeaderOrganizational Guidance Leaders can encourage candid conversations because tending to the business of being human allows people to tend to business Organizations can promote a conversation seriesWe Don39t Feel the PainWhen it comes to equity belonging and inclusion most women and people of marginalized groups would be able to share quite clearly the challenges they routinely face in their personal lives and work lives just for being who they are That is because it is their lived experienceThey could illuminate what these challenges cost them whether it be their personal or professional relationships job opportunities financial success and even their own health and wellbeing Women and people of underrepresented groups would likely share that they are tired exhausted actually stressed resigned sad afraid and angry To hear and understand that this is their experience is to acknowledge their painOften white men are unaware of the challenges frustrations and the short and longterm impacts that these individuals face everyday of their lives because it39s not their lived experience These same people might well be our friends work colleagues family members Through the optics of a white man the oftensubconscious observation is that quotAll of this is happening around men but not to menquot As for BIPOC men and gay men this may not be the caseIf we aren39t being denied opportunities based on our gender and our identities or not having to work twice as hard to adhere to a double standard simply because of who we are then it doesn39t get our attention because it39s not happening to us And this certainly is not an excuse We39re simply not experiencing the painGuidance One way to get men engaged as allies is to bring to their attention the experiences of people who don39t look like them or who are different to evoke some empathy What follows is an example of an effective training strategy we use inside companiesPresencing the reallife experiences of othersIn my work engaging men as allies and inclusionary leaders I39ve witnessed time and time again that when I bring to men39s attention without shame or blame what is happening to the women they work with that the women are having an entirely different experience than they are under the same roof it often comes as a surpriseThe power of senior leadership vulnerabilityIn the fall of 2018 my partner and I were hired to deliver a training to the male leaders of a wellknown global newsroom We initiated the process by interviewing three women and three men to get a pulse of the thencurrent working environment Each interview was slated for one hourCalls with the men each concluded after twenty minutes Their perspective of the workplace culture was that the men were open to change for the right reasons that it was a good diverse workplace though things could always be better and that the environment felt equal and open meritbasedCalls with the women went the full hour What we heard was very differentWe heardamp8226Women are set up to fail they are given difficult assignments with insufficient support and if it doesn39t work they39re gone Men in the same situation get support and resourcesamp8226Women need to be perfect to get a shot and then they get training Men can be less than perfect and get staff and support rather than trainingWhen we shared our findings with the diversity leaders who hired us they wanted us to not include the slide we had appropriately titled quotThe tale of two companies That39s not what happened When you start on your journey I ask that you allow all the feedback to be listened to To not allow a form of complicity to take placeBut when we showed the slide to the editor in chief he insisted on keeping the slide as part of the presentation In addition he stood up in front of a room full of mostly men and made clear that this was not the kind of newsroom culture he wanted to see or be part of He shared that he too had things to learn that he made mistakes and that he had not been as aware as he would have liked He pledged to do more and committed to changing his behaviorWhen a male leader stands up in front of a room of men admits his own failings takes accountability for what happens on his watch and publicly commits to be better it39s a powerful model to emulate and follow for the men in the room It also sends the message to the women that men are capable of making the transition to be more inclusiveOrganizational Guidance Senior leaders must play a very strategic and important role in activating the men inside their organization Identify that senior male leader who is willing to stand up in front of other men be vulnerable own his mistakes and share his reason for why being an ally and inclusive leader is important to him as well as to the companyThe newsroom39s editor in chief took ownership of the work environment that was in place on his watch and made it clear that he would do his part in changing the current culture to be more inclusiveThis is another step in the right direction to get men engaged but it still falls short of what is required at a personal level for men to quotactivatequot and get on boardEmpathy activatedWhen he finished the room was eerily quiet The looks on men39s faces were contrite surprised and questioning We invited them to share their responses to what they heard and many of them said quotI had no ideaquot quotwhat can I doquot quotthis is not ok with mequot and other variations on these three common responsesFor these men their ability to empathize started with the journey from their heads to their hearts when they were able to hear and connect to the experiences of others in their own newsroom We subsequently were hired to bring the same training to their UK officeOrganizational Guidance Bringing live and tangible experiences of the women in your organization without shame or blame makes it real for men Second and of equal importance is to present instances of racism When men are presented with this information that their actions and inactions language and decisions are behind the experiences of the women and people of color they work with most men want to be better This is an experience to build uponOutdated Notions of Masculinity and the Influence of Man Box BehaviorsThere exists an unofficial playbook of what it means to be a man handed down from prior generations Men before us our fathers grandfathers uncles brothers teachers coaches and society at large adapted accepted and modeled this playbookIt39s not consciously talked about it39s just always been so with many people paying the price of unhealthy masculinityWomen too accepted and encouraged these behaviors for a variety of reasons It was what they saw and experienced and they didn39t feel they had a voice or a choice to reject these unhealthy versions of masculinityTimes have changed Women have spoken up and organized themselves and more and more men want to be on the right side of change with healthy masculinity leading the way In order to pave the way for a healthy rewrite of what it means to be a man we must first understand the man box Unpacking these drivers is a necessary component that paves the way for healthy masculine leadershipUnderstanding the man box and its evolutionWriter and activist Paul Kivel39s Act Like a Man Box refers to a narrowly defined set of traditional rules for being a man These rules are enforced through shaming and bullying as well as promises of rewards the purpose of which is to force conformity to our dominant culture of masculinity and to perpetuate the exploitation domination and marginalization of women and people who are queer genderqueer and transgenderIn the early 1980s Kivel and others at the Oakland Men39s Project gave birth to this powerful central pillar of men39s work They developed Act Like a Man Box in their work with adolescents in public schools around the San Francisco Bay Area In 1992 Kivel documented their workshop process in his book Men39s Work How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart It was here that Kivel published his Act Like a Man Box workshop graphics and everything we have come to define around the termIn the mid1990s A Call to Men founder Tony Porter was doing men39s work in Rockland County New York as well as serving as the director of an alcohol and drug treatment program at Nyack Hospital At that time local service organization Volunteer Counseling Services invited Paul Kivel to speak Porter states it was then that he first heard the phrase quotact like a man boxquotOver time Porter who was working with populations of men in penitentiaries and other challenging spaces determined that the quotAct Like a Man Boxquot language would not work with these populations In 2010 Porter recorded his TED Talk titled quotA Call to Menquot which to date has been viewed over 2600000 times on the TED site alone Porter drove the man box into global public awareness and made Kivel39s pioneering work into a household term In 2019 I invited Tony Porter and Mark Greene former senior contributing editor to the Good Men Project and author of The Little MeToo Book for Men to present at the Better Man Conference in New York City hosted by Moody39s These man box behaviors were running rampant in corporate cultures and many of them were negatively influencing leadership behaviors The audience loved the material and we have incorporated it into our workshopsWhat are some of these unwritten yet subscribed to rulesReal men don39t show their emotions but anger is okayReal men are always confident We won39t show you our insecurities or admit we don39t knowReal men don39t ask for helpReal men make all the decisionsReal men are providers not caregiversReal men are heterosexual and sexually dominantReal men continuously talk and play sportsReal men are never handicapped disabled or unemployedMark Greene has said quotMen and women deserve better than a masculine culture of dominance which churns out broken menquot He39s right Maintaining the idea of stoicism over emotionality is without question the most hurtful result of the man box When men seeking to be allies and inclusionary leaders don39t express themselves emotionally not only does it discourage others from being authentically human it also severely limits their capacity for creating authentic relationships leading effectively and morePower The Elephant in the RoomIn addition to the aforementioned impediments that leave men reluctant to engage as allies and leaders there is another potential reason for their reluctance power Men are accustomed to the power that comes with leadership Giving up that power or even simply the idea of giving it up may give men pause For some men the idea of sharing leadership and thus affording others access to leadership positions is a perceived loss of powerWhy not come at it from a different angle Power can be used to include as opposed to exclude Power can be used to support and advance others Let39s shift the zerosum thinking of quotif you win I must losequot to quotwe both can winquotThe impact of the Black Lives Matter movementWith senseless killings of Black people by police occurring around the country and 202039s summer of activism in response the topic of racism that was always there and now can39t be ignored has made its way into corporate America39s leadership ranks and board rooms and it isn39t leaving anytime soon These experiences are painful if there is to be healing and inclusivity inside companies male leaders must learn to apply the same techniques taught in this book to combat not only sexism but racism as wellA QUICK LOOK BACKThe current wakeup call companies and men are hearing in the workplace is the demand for behavioral changes that can and will positively affect cultures of inclusion There is a lot at stake for companies to consider the effect of COVID19 on women in their organizations the hiring and retaining of people who belong to marginalized groups and the growing need to engage more men in diversity and inclusion efforts Additionally the Black Lives Matter movement has rightfully led companies to address racism along with sexismTo understand how organizations can effectively engage men as allies and inclusive leaders we39ve looked at what men are facing personally as a result of the current social and political narrative and what challenges COVID19 and the Black Lives Matter movement have presented This is just the exterior We have also illuminated man box rules that currently drive many male behaviors Just as important is understanding that men don39t initially connect to the pain of exclusion unless it39s happening to them which necessitates presencing the pain of others so as to evoke empathy Finally we offer a reframe of power from zerosum thinking to winwinHealthy Masculinity as a Feature Not an OptionWith a better understanding of how unhealthy masculinity plays out and often interferes with men engaging as allies and inclusionary leaders to support cultures of inclusion there is an opportunity to quotrewrite the playbookquot on what it means to be a man in our roles as leaders fathers partners husbands and colleaguesWhile healthy masculinity may vary slightly for each individual I offer the following for all of us to consider aspiring to Healthy masculinity might look likeamp8226Men showing sharing and experiencing their emotionsamp8226Men admitting to themselves and others that it39s okay not to have the answer that we quotdon39t knowquot and we are okay saying thatamp8226Men asking for help without making up a story that this means we quotaren39t manlyquotamp8226Men seeking contributions from others in making decisionsamp8226Men caring for othersamp8226Knowing that being a man has nothing to do with our sexual orientation and that we don39t need to be sexually dominant to prove our manhoodamp8226Recognizing that men with disabilities are menamp8226Believing that our job or lack of one doesn39t define us as menIt39s up to you to decide which of these if not all of them can be considered in your own evolving sense of being a man Regardless these rewritten healthy masculinity attributes are available for you as you see fit So if you are ready there are some simple steps you can take right now to start your journeyABOUT RAYRay Arata is an awardwinning leader in the field of diversity equityamp160and inclusion DEI specifically known for his work in engaging men as allies In addition to amassing more than 13000 hours leading workshops for men Ray is the founder of the Better Man Conference He is a soughtafter speaker consultantamp160and trainer delivering keynotes and facilitating trainings for massive global clients such as PwC Toyota Genentech Verizon Bloombergamp160and many moreOrder Ray Arata39s book Showing Up How Men Can Become Effective Allies in the WorkplaceClick the social buttons to share this story with colleagues and friendsThe opinions expressed here are the author39s views and do not necessarily represent the views of MediaVillagecomMyersBizNet

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