How Saying "No" for 24 Hours Will Change Your Life

This was the challenge put to me by Zoe Chance a professor at the Yale School of Management Zoe teaches a very popular course called amp8220Mastering Influence and Persuasionamp8221 and at that moment I had no idea what saying quotnoquot had to do with influence nor persuasionamp8220But 39no39amp160is so amp8230 negativeamp8221 I arguedamp160 amp8220Itamp8217s not helpful or constructive and itamp8217s kind of rudeamp8221amp8220Actually 39no39amp160is a clear choiceamp8221 Zoe said amp160amp8220Itamp8217s affirming in its own way and doesn39t have to be negative at allamp8221amp160Mastering the Power of quotNoquotamp8220When we make a request we focus on what it would cost the person to say yes to usamp8221 Zoe explained amp8220But when someone asks something of us we focus on what it would cost to say 39no39quotI failed the challenge Itamp8217s hard to say quotnoquot Really hardamp160But after 24 hours I did see quotnoquot from a whole new perspective Attempting to say quotnoquotamp160made me notice how often my first instinct is to say quotyesquot amp160that is I always say quotyesquot amp160quotYesquotamp160rolls right past the lips even when the brain is saying amp8220You cannot take on another thing right nowamp8221amp160amp8220100 of the women I know are actually too giving and too willing to say yesamp8221 Zoe said At least Iamp8217m in good company I thoughtAccording to the Global Monitor 64 of women rate the value of amp8220having the freedom to make my own choicesamp8221 as an essential guiding principal in life Thereamp8217s not much freedom in automatically saying quotyesquot But quotnoquot thatamp8217s downright liberatingMake quotNoquot Your DefaultFreedom is what quotnoquot is all about And thatamp8217s why Zoe advises women to make quotnoquotamp160their default answer to almost every request ConsiderquotNoquot is easy to retract quotYesquot is hard to renegequotNoquotamp160acknowledges that you prize personal responsibility It affirms you know your limitsquotNoquot has no social cost You can easily change your mind and say quotyesquot later In fact a quotyesquot later is a thoughtful quotyesquot instead of a reactive onequotNoquotamp160takes off the pressure of an immediate decision quotNoquotamp160allows you the benefit of more time to think about how you feel about the requestquotNoquot frees you to consider your opportunity costs We usually donamp8217t think of what weamp8217re giving up when we jump to say quotyesquot time with family sleep exercise What else would you do with that amount of time or moneyquotNoquot enforces boundaries quotNoquot communicates that though we value our relationships we will not always allow them to influence usquotNoquot demonstrates selfdisciplinequotNoquot is the Best Response You HaveZoe says keep quotNoquot friendly and simple The less you treat quotnoquotamp160like a big deal the less impolite it will feel And do not be vague about saying quotnoquotamp160Avoid middleoftheroad responses like amp8220Iamp8217m thinking about itamp8221 or amp8220maybeamp8221 Donamp8217t elaborate explain yourself or make it complicated all of which turns quotnoquot into something bigger than it isHereamp8217s how quotnoquot can help make some situations better for everyoneWhen someone is trying to sell you something amp160Understand that a salesperson is trained to overcome rejections so say quotnoquotamp160and donamp8217t explain why You donamp8217t owe them a moment of your timeamp160and you are doing them a favor by firmly letting them know youamp8217re not interestedWhen youamp8217re presented with an opportunity that youamp8217re not sure is right for you You may not be interested in a particular opportunity but you donamp8217t want the person asking to feel rejected Lots of times quotnoquot starts with amp8220thank youamp8221amp160 Thank you for thinking of me Thank you so much I am super busy but I appreciate itWhen youamp8217re asked for a quick favor Simply say quotnoquot sorry good luck thanks for asking Donamp8217t elaborate and make it a big deal Over time quotnoquotamp160will encourage others to respect your time and theyamp8217ll think twice before coming to you with requests that arenamp8217t meaningful in the future Remember you can always say quotyesquot laterWhen your boss is heaping things on your plate If it seems your boss is dumping work on you state your current projects and ask which you could eliminate and how to prioritize Being clear with your boss is an opportunity for your boss to say quotnoquot for youWhen someone is making romantic advances Women have a hard time saying quotnoquot to romantic requests amp160the default should be quotnoquot unless youamp8217re a amp8220Heck yesamp8221 but it doesn39t have to be quotnoquot forever You can always say thanks for the compliment give me your number and Iamp8217ll think about it Let them know you donamp8217t want to feel pressured If itamp8217s a colleague let them know youamp8217d like to keep things professionalWhen you donamp8217t feel right about something Sometimes you find yourself in a situation that you sense is a mistake but you feel trapped A client request that is hard to commit to A colleague that youamp8217re uncomfortable teaming with A social event that you dread attending quotNoquot may not be wellreceived in these instances and saying it may make you feel bad but you know when it is critical to your own wellbeing that you assert yourselfHow quotNoquot Makes quotYesquot Better TooPracticing saying quotnoquot has made me consider my motivations when I do say quotyesquot amp160A need to feel liked A desire to be perceived as helpful and generous A demonstration of my competence quotOh sure I can easily do that no big dealquot quotNoquot has helped me realized how many times my quotyesquot wasnamp8217t authenticWith quotnoquot as a default quotyesquot is more meaningful and satisfying than ever quotNoquot has made my quotyesquot more energetic more emphatic Now I view quotyesquot as a conscious choice to act on my valuesAnd most importantly I know that when my heart isnamp8217t in quotyesquot quotnoquot gives me the backbone to say soThe opinions and points of view expressed in this commentary are exclusively the views of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of MediaVillagecomMyersBizNet Inc management or associated bloggers Graphic courtesy of GraphicStockamp160amp160

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How Saying "No" for 24 Hours Will Change Your Life

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Kristi Faulkner

FEMA and the Ad Council Encourage AANHPI Communities to Enhance Disaster Preparedness in New PSAs - Ad Council InSites

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